Running From the Law of Attraction By Alison Marek
I’m scooping dried fava beans into a plastic bag at Whole Foods, thinking how did they convince the whole eco-minded boomer demographic to drop top dollars on produce someone in Guatemala got 3 cents a bushel to pick and, anyway, since when did beans get to be some status food for the pampered, instead of mean sustenance for the poor, when I realize … I’m being stalked by a Negative Thought.
He’s down the aisle, over by the seafood counter, pretending to examine a jar of pickled oysters, all the while peering at me with eyes as red and narrowly focused as a laser beam on a Happiness in 7 Steps slide at a consciousness-raising conference.
I turn my back on him and try to imagine that the rock-like beans plopping into my plastic bag are really gold nuggets that I’ll use to eradicate world hunger, but instead I think about how ironic it is that these legumes have taken an ocean-liner cruise to get to LA, while I drove cross-country in my cousin’s 1969 Volkswagen beetle with four cats vomiting from motion sickness. As I remember all the paper towels it took to get through that trip, NT starts waving to me and pulling the kinds of weird faces politicians make after they’ve been caught with their pants down around someone else’s ankles. It might be easier to ignore him if he weren’t dressed in the same lime-green hot pants and shimmer-gold stretchy that Dickie Laidlaw wore to our 8th grade prom.
Now NT’s dropped the oyster jar into the black plastic basket over his arm and is pointedly working his way toward the rice-n-beans aisle. I haven’t worn a watch since 1992 and my iPhone’s in my pocket with a dead battery, but I start to panic as I realize it must be at least 10 seconds since I first noticed him, which means I am only 7 seconds away from attracting another Negative Thought just like him.
So I try an affirmation.
”I am surrounded by joyful, supportive people” seems like a cruel cosmic joke when the organic-garlic-scented breath of an NT is warming the nape of your neck.
I try to squeeze around the garbanzo bin to ditch him, desperately searching the folds of my brain for a better affirmation and for the red toe sock that went AWOL in the summer of ’01, when another NT comes from behind me and grabs me by the wrist. She looks like an non-exfoliated, toothless version of Sally Jesse Rafael with a better haircut … and then I realize that’s who it is. When I gaze at the talons she’s sunk into my flesh, I notice her repulsive chipped aquamarine nail polish and wonder, ”Is that really age-appropriate?” and then, ”Why didn’t she get gels?”
I’m past the 64-second mark now. Whole Foods is swarming with NTs — all of them lumbering toward me like zombie extras on ”The Walking Dead” bee-lining for the shrimp wraps at the crafty table. I need to raise my vibration…fast! But where’s a high-flying disc when you need it?
I look at the NTs, then at my pooch of a plastic bag. I catch a glimpse of myself in the handle of the sugarless carob bits scoop — my face harried and drawn, my nose stretched to an impossible leftward tilt in the scoop’s handle, and I think, ”Is it really worth getting this stressed over a handful of dried peas?!”
And then it happens: At first, it sounds like I’m coughing up a hairball. But before I can grab the cod-liver oil, the cough turns into a snort. Then a guffaw. Then a giggle. Before I know it, I’m laughing!
The NTs react like they’ve been goosed with a taser. The wider I grin, the wider they disperse til there’s no one left in the immediate vicinity but me and a lovely 79-year-old Orgasmic Meditation instructor who smells like lavender oil and maca.
Phew! Humor to the rescue again.
Even those of us who have been managing our thoughts and emotions for years sometimes hit a rough spot – it can last a few minutes or weeks or more – where we just can’t seem to get out of a negative spiral. Traditional affirmations only work when you’re already feeling pretty good (http://pss.sagepub.com/content/20/7/860) … so how do you quickly get to a better feeling place where you can then begin to use affirmations and other tools to raise your vibration and your mood?
Laughter has been the balm of the psychically wounded – both individually and socially – since human beings first discovered their funny bones. Laughing has also been shown to positively affect the chemistry of the body, leading to stress relief, improved mood, and higher functioning. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-relief/SR00034) But when you’re feeling low, irritated, righteous or anything else that basically sucks, you need a little nudge to get your vibration moving again.
That’s why I came up with ”Daily ARFFirmations to Unleash Your Inner Fido” – 31 humorous drawings of a dog named Fido accompanied by an affirmation. Even if you’re in a funk and reading ”I am safe and secure” seems like the biggest lie since Sea Monkeys, gazing at Fido making the best of his own little life will be sure to get your tail wagging. And if it wags fast enough, it can propel you straight back into the Vortex. And then Whole Foods doesn’t seem like such a money-sucking corporate behemoth after all.
eBooks and soft-cover books of “Daily ARFFirmations to Unleash Your Inner Fido” are available at the following link: www.arffirmations.com.
Want to try them first? Get a free sample of 5 ARFFirmations by emailing alison@alisonmarek.com
Thank you to author/illustrator Alison Marek for sharing one of your humorous stories with us and for the heads up about your new book “Daily ARFFirmations to Unleash Your Inner Fido.'”
Alison grew up on comics such as “Little Nemo” and “Krazy Kat.” In addition to “Fido Kaplan” her public work includes two graphic novels for Piranha Press (DC Comics): “Desert Streams” and “Sparrow.” Being obsessed by film, Alison received an MFA in directing from New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts. Her short films and PSAs have been nominated for and won numerous grants and awards.
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